Why Won’t My Baby Stay Asleep Without Being Held? Understanding Baby Sleep at 8 Weeks

I recently received a query from one of my clients whose baby wouldn’t stay asleep without being held during naps or later in the night — maybe this sounds familiar to you:
“I have a baby girl, she’s just turned 8 weeks old, she’s exclusively breastfed and had no issues at birth. She’s following the 50th centile. I’m having trouble with her staying asleep when put down during the day. I only get anything done if she’s in my sling. I’ve had the odd occasion she’s slept for an hour but with some help resettling.
She’ll sleep in bed next to me crib for the first part of the night for a good 3-4 hours until 2-3am, but after that she wakes up every 1-2 hours and stirs and needs help going back to sleep. If we co-sleep then it’s a bit better as she’ll go back to sleep faster. . She used to sleep alone but when she caught COVID at 3 weeks old I cuddled her a lot, and now I’m worried she’s become used to it.”

This parent naturally would like her daughter to stay settled, and this is a very normal sleep pattern — if frustrating and tiring for you. But before we go into that, let’s answer that question so many people seem to worry about:

Have I cuddled my baby too much and created a rod for my own back?

I want to start by reassuring anyone concerned that they are holding their child too much or feel to blame because their previously self-soothing baby now requires more support — you have not caused a problem by cuddling her. It is a scientific fact that you cannot hold your child too much.

It might help to be aware of a couple of things;

3 Biological and Evolutionary Facts About a Newborn Baby’s Sleep Needs

1) We Are Carry Mammals:
Human babies are carry mammals and are designed to be carried, held close, and fed little and often — especially as breast milk, unlike cow’s milk, is easily digested.

2) We Have a Primitive Need to Be Close to Our Primary Caregiver:
Her primary attachment needs, i.e., her primitive need for survival, is proximity to you, her caregiver. That is why she is happiest and most relaxed when she is close to you, feeling, seeing, hearing, and smelling you.
When you carry or cuddle her, her nervous system can dial down and stay dialed down, allowing her to fall and stay asleep more easily.

3) The Survival Instinct Is Real:
Babies have a sensor in their brains that detects when you put her down or move away — this is evolutionary design to ensure survival in a primitive environment. Her brainstem is no different from her ancient ancestors’, even though we live in a very different time with fewer threats.

Our Babies Are Not Born Independent

One problem we face today is the expectation of baby independence from day one — decorating nurseries and buying cribs can make us feel like failures if our babies don’t sleep alone. The honest answer is, you haven’t failed. We just don’t have the same societal structures as our ancestors that supported newborns being close to caregivers at all times.

The 4th Trimester and Baby Sleep

Babies still in their 4th trimester are adjusting to the outside world. Many experts believe human babies are born too early. Compared to other mammals, humans are the most vulnerable and helpless at birth — their brains are only about 30% the size they will be by age three.

The closest mammal to a human baby is the joey, which climbs back into its mother’s pouch for constant milk and safety for about six months after birth.
Since human babies can’t stay in the womb longer due to the narrow birth canal, they are born earlier in development. During the 4th trimester, you are essentially your baby’s external womb — her nervous system and brain are still growing and maturing, and being carried close to you is exactly what she needs.

But Parents Need Rest and Support Too

I appreciate that most modern parents don’t have the support systems to carry babies continuously — so it’s important for many to help their babies learn to sleep alone for periods, whether in a cot or buggy indoors. There are gentle steps you can take to support your baby’s independent sleep.

How to Settle a Baby for a Nap in a Cot

A recent study by scientists in Japan found a useful technique: try walking your baby briskly to sleep in your arms. Once asleep, hold her for about 9 minutes, then gently put her down in the cot.
You might also tuck a cellular blanket tightly into the side of the mattress to provide firm sensory input, something the cot alone doesn’t offer.

And for more information on what to do if your baby simply will not settle in their cot – check out my blog about How to Transfer a Sleeping Baby to Cot: Expert Tips That Actually Work

How to Prolong Settled Sleep at Night

It makes sense that your baby’s longest sleep stretch happens early in the night when she has lots of “sleep pressure.” At around 8 weeks (56 days), a baby’s body starts producing melatonin to help with longer sleep.
After this, sleep is naturally more broken as babies cycle between active and quiet sleep, waking at the end of each cycle or every other one.

Safe Co-Sleeping Can Help

To support sleep for both baby and parent, safe co-sleeping may be beneficial. Dr James McKenna from the University of Notre Dame offers excellent resources on how to do this safely.
You can find his guidelines here: Safe Cosleeping Guidelines // Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory // University of Notre Dame (nd.edu)

Knowing What to Expect Can Help You

At 8 weeks, it’s completely normal for a baby not to be ready to be away from their primary caregiver and to struggle relaxing if they are. As babies grow and their bodies mature, they will become more independent sleepers.
We cannot control exactly how long or how babies sleep, but we can control how we feel about their sleep. Hopefully, being informed will help you feel more confident and supported.

About Emma Gawne, Certified Baby Sleep Consultant

Emma is a qualified infant sleep consultant serving families across the UK, specializing in gentle, holistic approaches to baby sleep challenges. With additional training in infant feeding and maternal mental health, Emma provides comprehensive support that considers the whole family’s wellbeing.

Professional Credentials:

• Certified Infant Sleep Consultant
• Trained in gentle sleep coaching methods
• Specializes in breastfeeding-compatible sleep solutions
• 7+ years supporting families with sleep challenges

Based in London, Emma offers both in-person and virtual consultations for families seeking personalized sleep support.